The Drought of 2010

Have you ever been dry....really dry? I was talking to a friend of mine who told me about her post pardon depression. She smiled as she confessed that about 2 months ago, the fog lifted. In that moment I knew exactly what she was talking about. No, I have never had post pardon depression...I suppose you need to have a baby to qualify for that. But I have been in such a dry place in my soul, that I had hoped for something reasonable and explainable to blame it on. I wanted some doctor to tell me it was my birth control pills, or maybe what I had been eating, or maybe I wasn't getting enough sleep at night.

Have you ever been there? You can't seem to do anything productive. You see others around you. Productive, disciplined, moving people, and you say, I want to do that. I want to press past this. I want to get off the couch and do something meaningful. But when it comes time to dig deep...nothing. That drive, that desire, that hope had left the building. You cry, you grunt, you pout, you sigh....but nothing. It's like trying to squeeze water out of a rock.

As I look back at 2010, I wonder...why? What was different about those months. Why was my heart so disturbed, why was I so sad, why did I not feel that umph for life? Why did my life go from being filled with hope and purpose, to breathing. Just breathing one breath after another, going from day to day, until they were blended together like a mush of bland memories.

The answer....I really don't know. But here are a few things that I do know. I know that I experienced a severe spiritual drought. I know that through that process I was broken. I know that sometimes God will allow drought, He will allow brokenness, to cultivate within us a deeper longing for Him...and only for Him. Because all those things we thought would quench our thirst failed. As I look back through my journals for the year, I see a persisting trend, "God, please forgive me for continuing to waste my time. For continuing to choose comfort in the form of sleep, and food, and the couch instead of time with you, and discipline, and fanning the flames of my spiritual gifts." In the words of Dr. Phill..."Has was that workin for ya?" Did I find comfort....no. I found quite the opposite.

I felt like I was trying to climb a steep hill. I would climb up about 2 or 3 steps, and then get tired and distracted, and I'd fall right back down to the foot of the hill. It was maddening. By the end of the year I saw that my journal entries got fewer in further between. My time with the Lord began on shaky footing in January, trickled to occasional and rushed in June, and by December, it was almost nonexistent.

But this month, I prayed a usual prayer of desperation, and God answered in a new way. Sure He had still been there last year. He gave me lovely gifts, He spoke with me, He was still there...just not in the same capacity as I had experienced in the past. But a couple of weeks ago, He answered in a new way. He graciously...as my friend described....lifted the cloud... He filled me with new water. Water that tasted oh so refreshing, oh so life giving to this thirsty soul. I needed it more than I knew.

And to my surprise, The Lord has provided me with a strength and determination that I have never had. Things have literally become easier to me. It's crazy. It's God.

I cannot express how happy I am to be back on the hill. The hill that I only stared at all of 2010. I looked up and watched people climbing it, happy, a bit sweaty, sometimes bloody, but still filled with joy and determination. I am happy to be one of those joy filled, sweaty, determined people. And I can say with certainty that I would not enjoy climbing like I do if I had not had to sit it out and watch for so long.

My dear friend, if you are at the foot of the hill right now, let me tell you....there is hope. It will not be forever. Do not lose sight of your God. He may seem distant, but He is still there with you. He sees you. He loves you. He will not leave you. And at just the right time He will pull you up, dust your butt off, fill you with living water, and give you the boost you need to get to climbing!

Thank You Lord. I know that You have a purpose for every season in my life. Even when I am not faithful, even when I choose to be distant, You are always faithful and You are always with me. YOU pursue me Lord. You pursue me? I cannot get my mind around that fact. Thank You Father. I will always love You for that. My heart is Yours...I love You forever.

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng.

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. - Psalm 42:1-5

Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever. - Psalm 23:6